Hey. Hello there.
I'm sorry I've been a bit rubbish lately. I mean, I've still been writing posts but there hasn't been anything of discernible quality for a bit (well, not since this anyway). I haven't exactly run dry, but I haven't been feeling good about myself for a while and therefore I lack the energy to write anything on the preconception that it's going to be bad writing. Like Bad Science, but with words.
Why don't I feel good about myself? Well, I'm not sure. I mean, I have a very poor self-image anyway, despite indication to the contrary - my girlfriend, evidently, is still pleased that I am me, my supervisor at work called me a genius the other day (why, yes; yes, I am) and I've made it onto the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2009 (at a paltry #97, but at least I made it onto the list this year, along with other people of whom I approve). But still, I'm feeling a sense of dissatisfaction with whatever I do at the moment, and I've little idea why.
I just think I'm comparing myself to other people and that's not something anyone should really be doing. I should be planning my Christmas gig, but I'm not, because part of me is convinced that nobody will turn up - despite the fact that people did turn up last year, 4 to be exact, but it was one of the best gigs I've ever done - yet still I rehearse, in my front room, in front of a crowd of 20 imaginary people. I was in An Education, but you can't see me, apart from a blurry few seconds, and I've had some positive feedback from the tiny book I wrote (mostly from LS, to whom my thanks are due) and yet I'm still a little annoyed at myself for writing it.
I just feel inadequate. I feel like I've tried to do all these things and yet I'm not-quite-there and never-will-be. Ironically, like I'm one of the last few on the list. Within reach, but slipping, perhaps?
Evidently this will pass. I just can't make that happen myself.
My favourite season, autumn, didn't come. We skipped straight from spring to winter this year with an extremely short Indian summer in between the two, but it was hardly much of a break. I'm trudging to my work placement in the cold and I'm returning in the dark, despite sometimes finishing at 3. It's weighing rather heavily on me, this end-of-year.
It's going to be a long, long, long, long Sunday afternoon...