Thursday, 22 October 2009

Sex... the ultimate cure-all

I have IBS and, if I'm being mild, it's a fucking bitch and I hate it with every fibre of my being. (You don't want to hear me being moderate about IBS, and the one time I was severe, the Daleks were created as a direct result.) Even with the addition of hideous medicine like Mebeverine, which I have to swallow with my nose pinched as I don't like either medicinal compounds or bananas... and this one is both, IBS can attack at very inopportune moments.

This morning, for example, on a train, five minutes into a thirty-minute journey. With no toilets on the train. Huzzah for inadequacy. Upon arrival at the main London station I had to basically sprint to the toilets and spent about half an hour in agony trying to expel whatever it was that was causing the blockage - I'd forgotten, by this point, that IBS works on stress and the only thing that would calm me down was some de-stressing. There was also some blood on the paper, which didn't help my very illogical thought processes.

Anyway, I finally made it to college, but by this time I was too late to go into the lecture, so I just stayed out and went to the toilet again - this time I took a disabled cubicle. And, for basically no reason at all, I decided to sit and think about sex for a while.

No, I didn't orgasm. I didn't even touch myself... much. I didn't. I just reflected upon the finer points of sex. Innocent, remember?

But the thing is, it worked. Well, either that or dumb luck, or that thing that 47 claims Mister Jesus does for him (only in 47's case Mister Jesus removed a gallstone), or a combination of all three - like a Holy Trinity with only one of the original band members left. Whatever. I spent ages on the toilet in CONSTANT BLINDING PAIN, then thought about how awesome sexual intercourse is for about ten minutes and suddenly didn't feel so bad any more. I mean, I felt a bit squiffy,* and I still do. But there isn't any pain... and that's what helps.

Right, time go and make hot coffee for myself and possibly spend a few minutes thinking about sex. Hot coffee... sex... nope, can't see any jokes to end with there. Ah well, next time.

* It's a real word, honest.

5 comments:

lacestockings said...

Aww, I had no idea you had that. I have it too! It does suck. Have you tried Buscopan? It works for me.

Anywho, I can't say I've ever tried thinking about sex when I get IBS pains (which feels like someone's inflating a balloon in your abdomen, then someone punching you to 'relieve' the pain), but may try it next time!

Tom Allen said...

ILB, as it happens, I've got it, too. It's freakin' miserable at times, and other times it's okay. Yes, stress is a huge factor, and I find that I plan my excursions with proximity to facilities in mind.

I've *also* discovered that I can relax by concentrating on sex scenes. By making them as detailed and as imaginative as possible, it works the way that meditation seems to work. I've even been hooked up to EEGs that showed I can get a similar level of relaxation as I would had I been doing yoga meditation.

I've never heard of those meds - perhaps it's something just on yoru side of the pond?

Innocent Loverboy said...

Hmmm. Somehow I knew people would read this and comment that they have it, too. Maybe it's a sex blogger thing.

Anyway, Mebeverine is a medicinal compound that often in tablet form - although I get it in liquid form, specially ordered (the tablets are coated with gelatine and therefore I can't eat them as I'm a vegetarian). It works, as far as I am aware, by coating your stomach, so if you take it before you eat (20 minutes is recommended), any IBS pain will be lessened because there's less acid reaction to food entering the GI tract. That's what I think it does.

The problem is remembering to take it 20 minutes prior to mealtime.

Lace: I've never tried Buscopan. I've taken ibuprofen to alleviate the pain (paracetamol angries up the acid, and aspirin thins the blood, so I doubt either of those are good), as well as codeine (which produces the 'heroin' effect, so it works too) and a Rennie tablet once, which didn't really deflate the balloon you speak of as much as it advertised. But maybe I'll look into it. I may not be able to take it alongside Mebeverine, though - might not be absorbed through a coated stomach.

Tom: What do you know, I've also been known to indulge in meditation, although far from yogic - I once imagined a scene I placed myself in a few times (it had a carpeted tower and everything), and I've also meditated on verses from the Bible. But I guess now you mention it, the far-out feeling you kind of get when indulging in some sexual fantasies isn't too far off the detachment of meditation.

Curiouser and curiouser...

As an update to how I am, I'm still not feeling quite right. I hope it was just nasty IBS, and not gastroenteritis again. I've had that before too, and it was an absolute killer!

Anna said...

Sorry to hear you're poorly. You must be ill to have missed the coffee + sex jokes! Please! I like my coffee like I like my women / men? Comedy classic. ;)

ladypandorah said...

Ilb with IBS. Not a comfortable set of acronyms.

Hope you're on the mend.

Oh, and I know for a fact that the term 'squiffy' qualifies as a word. I know that it has been in print since at *least* 1945.

LP x