Wednesday, 21 October 2009

Durability, Reliability, Excellence

Durex are an awesome company. Okay, so I'm biased - after all, I am currently in possession of a huge bag of goodies whch may cost something in excess of fifty quid were I to actually buy the things - but even if I were not so biased, I'd have been convinced by last night that Durex are an awesome company.

I'll admit that the speech given by the Durex representative, entirely in poetry, was a little odd. Some of the rhymes, er, didn't rhyme - and some of the lines were far too long to scan, for the sake of a rhyme. Still, any epic poem that's going to rhyme 'innovation' with 'masturbation' is worthy of some kudos. And the presentation was pretty cool, all things considered; mainly geared towards the launch of their new discussion 'thing', a multimedia project called ORA!, we got a highly-coloured history of the brand and product(s), with the walls of the venue bursting into moving images with animated text, before ORA! was even touched upon.

Oh, and the venue. Sketch, in central London. What an odd place it actually is. But it's super-modern, too. The toilets are all in little white pods (which talked to you, as well - "Hey, good-looking... I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can sure make your Bed Rock!"), the door to the cloakroom hangs from the ceiling, and there's a little podium in the very centre of the room, which hosted not only the Durex guys, but celebrity MC Scott Mills, and at one point a lady sitting in a giant champagne glass.

You couldn't make it up.

Apart from awfully well-underdressed young ladies (and overenthusiastic guys) wandering around pimping Durex' products, we saw a few people we recognised - Emily Dubberley, who I pushed TD into talking to on account of the fact that they've both written for Scarlet at some point, springs to mind (but perhaps because she was sitting next to us) - as well as food of varying quantity and quality. The non-alcoholic cocktails were fantastically tasty, but the vegetarian food wasn't plentiful. It was delicious, but due to the sheer magnitude of people there were as attendees, the staff were outnumbered, and it was pretty difficult to find any food, particularly as it was in small bowls and they were snapped up quickly. Still, we filled up nicely on whatever we could find, and the vegetarian stuff was all marvellously palatable.

At 10:30ish the musc started, and so many people took to the floor and danced, but I just half-inched some "80" cupcakes from a stand, grabbed some goody bags and made my way out of the venue, with a more-than-slightly-tipsy Drinker. (To be honest, I'd have been thoroughly disappointed if she didn't get drunk, considering the waiters who kept on filling glasses with champagne...) And so we made our way home, feeling fabulous and frisky.

The goody bag contains three things that buzz, one of which is sparkly, five things that lubricate, one of which massages as well (and one of which tastes of cherries) - and a travel-sized packet of the same, some rubbery things which are marked XL (Good Lord!), and something that slides, slips and stimulates. Yeah, I think we're pretty much set up for a few years, don't you?

I don't think any of the rest of the party is explainable. It was just unique, once-in-a-lifetime. I don't even want to say whether it was good or bad. It just was. I doubt I'll ever see tables decorated with pearl necklaces or boxes of condoms forming the letters 8 and 0 anywhere else ever again, and that - for some reason - makes me quite sad.

Thanks, Durex. You are megastars.


Anonymous said...

Sounds awesome :) those travel sized products sound like an excellent excuse to go on holiday!

Innocent Loverboy said...

That's just what I thought. Winter holiday packages, ho!

Anonymous said...

I am so fricking jealous! Goddammit, why do I not live in London?!