"Talking of porn," Dad said casually yesterday over the dinner table, "I saw something funny yesterday."
I took a bite of ice cream... and then blanched at the fact my father had actually mentioned the fact that he'd been watching porn.
My mother laughed. She laughs a lot and it's always a herald of impending doom.
Turns out that Dad hadn't been watching porn, after all. He'd just been channel-hopping on Gran's 4,000,000-channel digibox and had chanced upon the soft-core flick Hotel Erotica (I, incidentally, am aware of its existence, although I've never seen it. It's one of those Surrender Cinema ones. I tried not to let on that I knew.)... at which point, my mother had returned from the orchestra she goes to on Tuesdays. Dad had been watching for ten minutes in order to see what it was (that's not hard to find out, although - as I'm sure you all know - soft porn relies mostly upon a few minutes of very bad acting in between sex scenes, so maybe he was curious, as an actor, as to how this ever got made into a film). My mother had arrived and looked through the window just as one of the totally unbelievable lurve-making scenes started.
Masterpiece of bad timing. Still, she saw the funny side.
Dad was watching football later on. I don't like football, so I was sitting, not watching, playing Pokémon Blue at the time. I glanced upwards from my Eevee taking a beating, and noticed Beckham had been brought on. That's interesting, I didn't even know he still played football. Surely appearing in every centre spread of Metro should be enough?
"His arms are covered in tattoos," said Dad.
"Isn't all his body covered in tattoos?" I responded. "Doesn't he have the names of his children on his back?"
"I've never seen his back," Dad replied, smirking. "He wasn't in Hotel Erotica, was he?"
I excused myself to make a hot chocolate, and went downstairs. On the way, I glanced at Gran's TV. Had to flick through all the sports channels to find out which channel's showing soft porn nowadays. Eventually I found it - a 24-hour movie channel with skin flicks after 11pm. Advertised as last night's: Hotel Erotica II - Up All Night.
I didn't watch it, though.
No, I didn't.
I wonder why.