Wednesday, 5 August 2009

The Chart Show

A friend of mine has created a shag chart. A shag chart, that is, which only centres around people in a particular community. A community we are both part of, of course. This chart is a construction of circles, representing people, and different arrows, representing - respectively - one-way crushes (dotted lines), relationships and/or kisses (dashed lines), sexual contact (a line) and sex (two thick lines very bold and obvious). He's not actually on the chart; in his words, "I need someone to have a one-way crush on me, so I can get onto the chart somehow." But then again, if he were, he'd need to jiggle the chart about a bit - it was so complicated, he had to use maths to work out where everyone should go in order to keep the lines straight.

He knows all the stuff on the chart because, during a community excursion a year and a half ago, he asked me for details about any enduring relationships in the community and I ended up going to the hotel staff at 1 in the morning and asking them for pencils and paper so I could write it all down myself. (My chart had curvy lines, but then again, it was all coming from memory so I kept adding bits to it). Some of the lines have question marks, and some are marked "feigned" - there's that fabled 'kiss' between me and 47, which is really just very clever camera angles indeed, but at least it adds to the chart.

Oh yeah, I'm on the chart too.

My friend keeps referring to me as either a slut or a stud. I am neither - although, you know me, you could call me whatever you liked and I'd probably meekly agree with you for the sake of not causing an argument - it just so happens that I've slept with a couple of people (2, to be precise) from that community, although one of them - the ex - I bought into the community with me. Big mistake. She's not around any more, and we are that much better off for it, methinks. This community also happens to be the group from which I gained my first kiss - a moment I remember with cringes now, although I'm pretty sure I enjoyed it at the time, my first sexual experience - although it was little more than a touch - and from which I went on my first date... although you probably couldn't call it a date, we weren't technically in a relationship. Nevertheless, I told it all to my friend, and he kept adding lines.

I'm just not that much of a deviant.

Look at the other side of the chart, where Unassuming Lothario stands. This guy, though I like him as a person, has arrows spiralling off at all directions. And they're all double-ended arrows too. All his attempts - all his conquests - are successful. No 'one-way-crush'-related dotted lines for him. Unassuming Lothario, smug in his tower of sexual victories, in totally unaware of this chart, charting all his misdeeds. It's only two hops from him to me, anyway - but of course he doesn't know that.

I look at this chart every now and again. My friend updates it sometimes - I'll remember something and he'll change or add; colour-coded for different sexualities; there's even talk of making an animated version of it (although that says less about our little group than it does about the fact that some people have far too much time on their hands). And the odd thing is, this isn't even a group of people who make a point of being sexually liberated, like The Woodcraft Folk. We all appreciate the same things and that brought us together. It just so happens that we are all young(ish) people and we all at some points have to compete with Unassuming Lothario, whom we have in our midsts.

There's another meetup happening for us towards the end of this month. Although I'm pretty sure that absolutely no sex is going to happen on the day itself, I can't wait to see if it does!

No comments: