Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Self-Realization

I remember the first time I came.

It was during a dream. I can't remember the specifics of the dream exactly, but it was set within the small town presented in Russ Meyer's 1979 flick Beneath The Valley Of The Ultra Vixens (look it up; it's an explosive sexual cocktail masked with points about American small-town culture, Nazism, religious fervour, infidelity, incest and race). There was lots of sex in it, as one would expect from a wet dream. As with things I watch that make me suitably hot nowadays, none of it involved me.

Okay, one could argue that none of the things I watch involve me, unless I happen to be a porn star or erotic actor. (I'm neither, by the way. Just so you know.) But I'm talking about those 'virtual sex with [name of porn star here]' videos. Those are just a little lame.

I also remember that the bit where I woke up happened to involve sexual intercourse on a log floating in the middle of a lake (in the movie, the sex scene in the lake happens on the muddy banks). I can't remember who the characters were; all I do remember is the setting. The lake, in this case, appeared much more cavernous than as presented on screen, with no obvious way out - a throwback to the dreams at the age of 11 wherein one was encased in a machine which in effect 'trapped' one into having sex for years? - but that's neither here nor there. The end result was, of course, that I woke up, lying flat on my back, with sticky white cum laced (that's the only way to describe it) over my pubic hair.

I was absolutely appalled with myself. I was about 15 at the time, I think, and was pretty horrified when a "friend" asked me over ICQ if I'd "eva acidentaly cumed in ur sleep". I had answered, truthfully, that it had never happened - but now it had, if I gave the same answer again, I'd be telling a lie. Fortunately, he didn't ask again. I think he was probably more interested in doing it himself - something I didn't indulge in, of course, until after I'd had sex for the first time. But anyway, I'd shocked myself. Not that I hadn't enjoyed it while sleeping, but now I was awake I had the terrible feeling that I'd done something so very wrong.

I cleared it up and then washed myself down with a wet flannel. This horrible, guilty feeling grew at the back of my head. Yes, I know it's one of those natural things, I told myself. Yes, I didn't even do anything wrong (unless you count watching the film in the first place as wrong, which - now I think about it - technically it actually was, being as I was too young for it). I just had a wet dream. But I'd never had one before, and the more I thought about it, the more improbable it seemed that this mythical sensation would happen to me.

And so that was my first-ever orgasm. After about three years of having watched naughty programmes, I'd finally done it. Bit of an anti-climax, but there you go... that's what you get for thinking too much, I guess.

I'll finish off with a song, if I may:

Give me that old-time religion,
Give me that old-time religion,
Give me that old-time religion,
It's good enough for me!

Makes me love everybody,

Makes me love everybody,

Makes me love everybody,
It's good enough for me!

2 comments:

Anna said...

I hope you realise the irony of describing it as an anti-climax ;)

Innocent Loverboy said...

Absolutely. Don't you just love the way I write?

Now, THAT'S irony. ;)