Monday, 1 June 2009

Phonesexxx (extra x's optional)

I've never had actual phonesex, but last night I came pretty close. It was quite late and we'd been apart for all of one day and so the "you are turned on, severely so" bug had bitten. It bit her first and then she told me, so then it bit me (I had just left work at the time, so the one-hour-long train ride home had plenty of time for me to reflect on what she looks and sounds like during orgasm, and that pretty much did the trick). I got home, had a sandwich, deleted all my junk e-mails and eventually got into bed - sweet merciful heaven, that's good after a long day - and then she called. Just before I was about to. And so we had something close to phonesex, with her explaining what she wanted to do to me - and what she wanted me to do to her - and afterwards, it got me thinking about exactly what you have to have in order to indulge in this pastime.

(i) A phone, a connection and a person to do it with
Otherwise you've fallen at the first hurdle, my friend.

(ii) A safe place and a good time
This is pretty much obvious, n'est-ce pas? It's best not to have phonesex with anyone who may be disapproving in the next room. This is, of course, what I was doing, but with my unconscious parents and the low rumbling voices, I doubt they would have head anything, never mind the lustful phrases from 50 miles away.

(iii) Suspension of disbelief
This is something I'm familiar with as it's also a necessity during cybersex, although there's no voice during cybersex (unless you're using Skype, and I don't think that counts!). For the body to achieve orgasm - and I'm assuming you're in want of a good orgasm, who isn't? - then it needs to be tricked into thinking you're engaged in coitus, and therefore you need to accept that the act you're thinking of it itself sexual intercourse. Of course I'm not assuming you're going to be thinking about cheese sandwiches during phonesex (unless you swing THAT way), but if you can actually believe that Superman can fool anyone by putting on one pair of glasses and assuming a different name, I'm sure you can do this well enough.

(iv) Acting
I'm not exactly suggesting anyone takes any masterclasses, buy dad - who is an actor - says (or what I'm sure he would say if I asked him), if you're going to be on a stage, at least have something to do. If the phonecall is your stage, then at least do something - respond to what your call buddy is saying or say something to them, whether it's "I just want to fuck you now" or "Behold, you are beautful, my love; your hair is like a flock of goats moving down the slopes of Gilead" or, as in my case last night, "and what then?". If you're going to be an observer, there's porn for that.

(v) A free hand
For obvious reasons.

(vi) Some tissues
Because - unless you happen to be female and are sitting on a towel - you're likely going to need these, or at least you are if it's anything like as intense as what happened to me last night. Fortunately, I had some next to my bed. I'm prepared like that, you see.

(vii) Flight sickness medication
I don't know if this is a common feeling, but it happened to me. Perhaps a combination of being extremely sleepy and extremely turned on, but throughout the pre-orgasm stages and just afterwards, I felt a very floaty feeling, like I was gently being rocked back and forth or even flying upwards.

(viii) A sense of humour
Lighten up, man.

So, anyway, the end result of our little tryst last night was quite spectacular. She came, and that made me come, and after all that we were quite sufficiently sleepy enough to drift off ('drift' being the operative word, as I was still flying). I actually slept until 12 this morning, but that's probably not related...

...it'd be good if it were, though. I may have just found a cure for insomnia!

3 comments:

Anna said...

Great post! I never liked those phone sex-esque long distance calls; I felt far too self-conscious, and didn't have a clue what to say.

Might the floatyness be linked to a long, hard day with more sun than we;re using to seeing all summer? Make sure you cover up and drink plenty if that's the case!

Isabella Snow said...

Phone sex should always be done over skype -- it's so much better when you can be hands free. Skype with cam is even better!

Lisa ann D. said...

Of course I checked back too late and you're probably already asleep by now (lame Englanders).
Anyway, I think such things can be really fun and it gives couples more things to do!