Tuesday, 23 June 2009

The ILB That (Almost) Never Was

I once wrote a post about sex in my LiveJournal. It was one of the most explicit and heartfelt things I'd ever written; it was honest and very near the bone. Through clever use of LJ's "security" feature I created a group of friends labelled "Sex" and I only made the post visible to them. My most intimate, most trusted friends. The main crux of the post centred around the fact that since I returned home from university I'd been very much focused on sex, despite not having indulged in that frivolous activity for about three years. This was, of course, before my random and somewhat illicit trysts with a couple of people... but we know about that.

I wasn't actually being daring or even shocking - although, with my writing style, I was cheeky and satirical, but even my academic essays are like that, so that's not too far from the truth with anything from my fingertips! I was just sharing some facts with my friends. Most of them don't know I'm ILB now, although I told Syren, and I told Mini, and 47 worked it out for himself, flash git. But anyway, everybody I let see this post responded to it, either by posting a comment of sending me an MSN message. They all said they didn't quite understand, although they were pleased I'd filtered them in - people like to know secret things, for some reason...

Although I was the guy who gave very warm hugs, they hadn't heard me mention my sex life for some time (with the exception of Syren, they hadn't metioned their own either, but that's neither here nor there, really...). Everything was crystal clear, but aside from actually sleeping with me, none of them could actually help me, not that I needed help in the true sense of the word. I mea, fantastic as it is, I didn't actually need to have sex. I sometimes felt like it was a need, but then again, I was - and still am - a man in my twenties, so of course I felt like that. What I needed wasn't sex, but a place to write about it. Not in my LJ where it needed to be hidden, but somewhere in the open, so I could share my views on sex with the world. And I was reading Abby Lee, I was reading Belle de Jour, and I still hadn't figured out the obvious route.

Man, genius-level IQ and it took me so long...

The idea for this blog came about in the shower. I had, admittedly, used the phrase "innocent loverboy" earlier in my life, but that was to describe Boy #11 Hiroaki Sugimura out of Battle Royale, so it didn't actually count. It took me three showers (on separate occasions, of course) to think of the name, and it really was a pipe dream. One that was technically possible, but it would never work. I could write about sex in my LJ, but opening a new blog just for sex... nah, I'd never do that.

And look where I am now. Good thing I came to my senses, eh?

There's no rubbish about me being a different person here. I'm still me, I'm just more open here. An Internet friend of mine named swallow (Hi, if you're reading, swallow!) once told me that she had been tricked into having cybersex with someone she detested merely because he changed his IRC handle. She worked out who he was afterwards, and he handed her a ridiculous sequence of words claiming that he was "a different person in the same body". Bullshit, my friend - pure bullshit, and that's the kindest thing I can say about that. I'd never say anything like that.

I may have opened up about writing about sex since I started ILB, but I certainly always had a lot to say on the subject; I just rarely got a chance to air it. After all, up until the age of 14 I was still claiming I had no interest in sex whatsoever (this was a lie, of course); I've moved on since writing a few paragraphs about wanting to have sex in an all-but-secret entry with a massive disclaimer before it and an LJ-cut tag to mask the entry itself. But whatever you may think about ILB, there's a lot of me here, and if you read this and take in what I say, then I'd say you know the same sort of stuff about me that I wanted to let my closest LJ friends know back in 2006. Maybe more so.

And you know what? I'm fine with that. Really, I am. Very much so.

No comments: