Friday, 14 November 2008

M is for... Mysbehaviour, Mysery, and Myself

I feel sick.

I've been having some very vivid dreams recently. It's most likely the stress of my training/job/college (whatever you want to call it) that's getting to me. It's getting to everyone. The dreams that I've been having at nights have all been odd, whether they depict daring heroism, frustration ana dnager, or ethereal jaunts through odd places. Last night's dream, however, didn't actually have any of these elements. It only served to make me feel guilty.

I don't know why I dreamt it. It was very vivid, and I'm also very glad it was only a dream. However, in the dream, I willingly had sex with a specific person who was not only not my girlfriend, the lovely Drinker, but also a real person - I'll call her RS - who is one of my fellow students, and also a representative to the student council.

I'm not attracted to RS. She is attractive, but then again so are most of the girls on my course, and I'm infatuated with Drinker. I don't lust willingly after all and sundry, because frankly I don't need to. I can talk quite openly with them about relationships - as is my modus operandi, being ILB and all (in fact, a few days ago another girl, FL, felt quite safe enough to talk about her boy troubles with me, as girls tend to do) - but there's no attraction. There's, despite what When Harry Met Sally might suggest, just friendship here, and why not?

RS, interestingly, is married. I don't know why it was her - maybe my brain just picked out her because I respect her for being on the student council and I recently found out she was married? Or maybe ebcause she organises all the trips and outings for our group? I don't know. Whatever the reason, I had sex with her, and I immediately felt very guilty about it.

Then Drinker turned up, and RS immediately told her that we had had sex. Wracked with guilt and terrified of what might happen, I went and sat on the stairs (that appeared to be in this house we were in) and cried, loudly and heavily, for ages until I realised I wasn't going to do much good, so I went back into the room and told Drinker I wanted to talk to her. She then told me that RS had told her (even shown her the used condom), and I was expecting to be dumped (I was still crying). RS hugged me, but Drinker seemed to be quite happy about it. I was distressed, and I was left hanging as to what would happen to me because of this.

Then I woke up.

I felt awful, guilty, uncertain, and very sorry. It was all a dream, of course, a scandalous dream - but yet, it had all seemed so real. Here I was, lying in my bed, needing to go to college and with the promise that Drinker is actually going to be here soon - we're spending the weekend together - and I've just woken up for a dream in which I've betrayed her by sleeping with RS who, in reality, is a friend who is married.

I don't know why I'm so affected by this. I'd never cheat, especially as I've been cheated on and know how bad it feels. Plus, it was only a dream. But it was so vivid, and so realistic, and I was acting completely out-of-character in that I willingly had sex with somebody else. I felt as if I had really done it.

I still felt sick with myself, and physically so, as I walked down the road to catch a train to college. I was sitting almost directly behind RS all the way through class, and felt so bad about myself that I couldn't concentrate as much as I'd have liked. (Next to her was FL, which made me wonder about her boy troubles, and if they were better for her yet, which probably didn't help). I gave my closer friends a Bowlderised version of the story - I didn't mention sex, or RS - at the break, and they didn't understand why I was so upset, so guilty, so worked up about it... because it was only a dream.

But in the dream, I cheated.

On the girl I love.

And it felt real.

That's not me.

I feel sick.


Anna said...

It's ok, sweetie. It honestly does happen to everyone, however infatuated and faithful you are, and I know your lovely lady understands that.

The reason it's thrown you off is because it was one of those ultra-realistic dreams. I've had those before; I had one in which I was told I had a few months to live, and I woke up crying real tears because of it.

But the important thing is that you were no more able to change your actions than if it had been a regular, hazy dream.

As for why it happened, who knows? The human mind is ever a mystery, and people rarely know why they dream things.

So, try not to feel too guilty, my dear. X x x

Innocent Loverboy said...

Thanks, Anna.

After getting all this out on ILB, explaining it to Drinker (who told me I was silly to get so upset) and the Samaritans, who also told me to calm down - once I'd worked out it was a problem to me and nobody else - I feel a little better. And then your comment, and listening to the score from Muppets Christmas Carol.

I feel a lot less guilty, but I may not be able to talk to RS for some time now...

The Drinker said...

Lovey, it was only a dream. I have said this to you on the phone and in person, and I am now saying it on your blog. It is ok. It happens, like Anna said.

I still love you. Hell, I dreamt I was the Russian First Lady last week, and you don't see me lusting after Medvedev!