Sunday, 2 November 2008

A is for... Anticipation

I don't like to wait; it's not good for me. It's not good for anyone, really. Or anything. Waiting for something bad is probably the worst. I'm waiting to do this ghastly maths test on Wednesday. I have maths, hence the ghastly. I'd rather do it now. Get it over with. It's the uncertainty of waiting for something that I don't like. There's also waiting to go on when you're an actor, or musician or somesuch. You get jealous watching people do their lines - your turn in the spotlight comes and you have to make it the best you can. That's when I like to shine, if I can at all.

Then there's waiting for your lover... and that's difficult.

It doesn't really matter how long-distance your relationship is. You can be 'round the corner, in two cities close to each other, or on the other end of the country... hell, you could even be in different countries. You know when you are going to meet them, and it's the moment you wait somewhere for them, purely to see them, that's both difficult and wonderful in equal measure.

That's where the anticipation comes in.

It's not just sex you're waiting for. In fact, it isn't really sex at all. If sex didn't exist, it wouldn't be any different (unless you're inclined to wrestle your lover onto the ground in a public place and do it right there and then, for all you horny people who can't wait to get home, or find a private corner somewhere in a park or something)... you'd still be waiting for your lover.

And it's not even love you're waiting for. You're in love. Or at the very least you have a crush. You're not suddenly going to run out of those feelings because your lover isn't there. (If you do run out of love, just make some more!) What you're waiting for is the opportunity to express it. The warm cuddles of your lover. The kisses. The feeling of skin against skin. The trips to the theatre, cinema, shops, park, kitchen. The days where you don't do anything because you're not inclined to. The way their hand feels in yours. The smiles, the laughter, perhaps the tears that you kiss away. The feeling of contentment, perhaps those short bursts wherein you think that, actually, it isn't that bad; maybe everything will be okay after all.

That's what you're waiting for.

And because you know it's happening, you're waiting there for it. It's going to happen; you're there at the train station (or in the car or the coach or waiting at home or whatever) and it's so close - they're so close - it's almost tangible.

It sometimes seems that when you need some love, they're never there. But when your lover is coming, or you're going to see them, it's an inevitability. You will be together. You may be breathless, you may be giddy, you may even be sulky, fed up, sick. You may be excited, bracing, energetic, whatever. You are in anticipation. The very tip of the iceberg. It's a nervous, tentative state...

...but when your lover arrives, you can start the slide down, and that's what you've been waiting for.

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