Thursday, 25 September 2008

Alea Jacta Est

The more I have thought about it, the more I have come to realise that I - along with practically everyone on Earth - am like a die. I am multi-faceted, having different sides, and sometimes it's random as to which one you'll get if you throw me, but at points you can select which of the six sides you'll get. I admit, if this weren't an anonymous blog it would be easier to try to descrbe or name these, but here goes.

Side one is "me". My full birth name that my parents gave me, often abbreviated to one syllable. I am the latest in a long line to bear this name; practically all of them were butchers, so I'm trying - as a vegetarian - to make it a more pacifist-like name. It's who I was born to be, and the side I have no choice over.

Side two is "the professional me". Here I'm known as Mister Something. It's the businesslike side of me, that I don't like - hating as I do authority and rules. It's the one I got at work and the one I may well get soon (currently, by the way, I have quit 'work' and am in training for a much more impressive job than my last one - the name in training is probably more similar to side one). I don't like my surname, so Mister Something rankles me. Alas, it's one of my sides.

Side three is "social me".
It characterises the face I wear for my family and friends. He's a reasonably pleasant, intelligent chap who has strong opinions but really doesn't want to hurt anybody. I've been that person for 23 years and therefore I know him quite well, but it really is only skin-deep.

Side four has the nickname that I've had for about ten years and accordingly some of my newer friends call me that. I also use it over the Internet.
I like to think of this side of me as a thinker, maybe a dreamer. Under a name which isn't anything like the one I was given, I feel more free. I can express myself better than before, and it gives me time to pause and think about all the different sides of the die. Of all the sides, I think this persona is the one that draws me together.

Side five is the expressionistic one, the one that's the lead singer of a rock band, an actor of stage and screen, player in brass bands and symphony orchestras, wordsmith and artist - all of which I've truthfully done in my spare time. This side is the one that comes out when I'm on stage, and during my moments of reflection while commuting, this side is planning rock gigs or practicing lines for his next play. The name given to this side, of course, is the marvellous corruption of the nickname which is side four which I use for my music and acting endeavours. You may even have seen me in something... you just don't know it yet.

This leaves the sixth side.

Which is, of course, the lover. It's my most intimate side, and it's been in gestation for many years. Love is my guiding emotion - I'm nowhere without my heart. Without my ability to love, the other five sides would mean nothing to me. This side I open up to those who are the closest to me, the ones who know I am sides 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and ILB - the sixth side. Two of my closest friends, and my lover, know I am ILB... and that is all.
What I like about writing this blog is that I have made more friends. I barely know any of you, and yet by sharing our sexual escapades on public fora, there's an amazing form of liberation here. Every time I write in ILB, I am opening up to you all - showing my hidden, sixth side; the sides that loves, and the side that I love. Love is often painful, and some may claim it is fleeting; here, however, it is celebrated. Here, the die is cast, and it always lands on side six... the side that shines with a light stronger than any other.

I point your attention to the name of side six, the one name in the list I chose: Innocent Loverboy. There really is no better description sometimes.


kberry said...

What a wonderful way of thinking about it. I suppose we all encompass those sides, to some extent, liking some more than others. Maybe some of us have even more sides? Like those dice in D&D...

Anonymous said...

I don't think I've come across a more convincing and apt extended metaphor such as yours here for a very long time. Wonderful writing, ILB.


LadyP x