Friday, 29 August 2008

Je t'adore

We went to France; we are now back.

It's not as simple as that, but that is what it boils down to, essentially. My enjoyment of the holiday is also not as simple as that, but basically I had a great time - so worry not! We visited all sorts of interesting and exciting locations in Provençal France, played some fun games, had some of the best food I've had all year, looked after the cutest cats, and, of course, had lots of sex.

The one occasion that sticks in my mind was our last night...

We'd had a fun evening playing games (Articulate!, if I remember correctly) and were all ready for our departure the following day. We were snuggled-up in bed and, after a while, the urges began to grow - as they do when you're in bed with a naked girl. She felt the same.
I started touching her, and she suggested we roleplay for a while - nothing heavy, just a bit of light RP to get us into the mood. My brain switched back on and, through THE POWER OF MY VOICE, I constructed a situation which involved the conductor of a symphony orchestra and his pianist.

Yes, really.

We ended up kissing passionately, me lying on top of her, and my fingers... doing naughty things... at the same time. I was hard, she was wet, and before long, the inevitable conclusion happened - I carefully teased her clit with the tip of my penis, and then slid into her, settling down inside, feeling her warm, moist walls around me. Beautiful.
We started to move, and I gradually picked up my speed, thrusting faster and faster into her, as our moans increased in volume (although not too loud - there were other people in the house!), and sweat broke out on my chest. I paced my strokes, using all my excess energy to go as fast as possible, and God, that was good sex.
"Are you going to cum?" she asked, as I paused for breath, and lay there licking her neck.
"Maybe," I replied. I was certainly feeling it. "Why, are you?"
"I don't think I am," she whispered. "Maybe we should stop."
I didn't want to stop... so I didn't.

My hips were getting a little tired by this point, but she was certainly wet enough, and I wanted to make this a night to remember, so I gradually kissed my way down her body to start some of my favourite licking. I kept this up for a while, alternating between licking all the way up her lips to gently stimulating her clit, until I just couldn't take it any more! Jumping back up, I threw myself onto her again, and slid my penis back in. A few frantic, passionate thrusts, and she tipped over the edge, melting into the happy orgasm that may not have happened a few minutes beforehand.

Post-orgasm - I was still hard, and thankfully, she was still into it. After her waves had subsided a little, I cleaned her up with my tongue (ahem!), and then started gently stroking her boobs, kissing her neck, and maybe a little lick or two up her back (I like backs; don't ask me why, I don't know, but hers is ever-so-sexy...). You can't beat a gentle caress to show your love, and that's what we were doing... but we needed more. And I needed to cum - I'd had some great orgasms that holiday, but it was our last night - must show appreciation, n'est-ce pas?

I decided to go for some more licking - really, I just can't get enough mouth action sometimes - and so I settled back down between her legs, licking her eagerly as before, but this time using a couple of my very bad fingers too - one inside her wet lips, exploring and keeping it warm; one stimulating her 'other' hole, not penetrating, but a gentle push every now and again, which certainly seemed to hit a sweet spot.
I carried on in this vein for some time, and then on her suggestion started touching myself too, a sort of mutual masturbation with only me taking part - except her legs were clasping me quite tightly, and judging by what she was doing, she was enjoying it all just as much. Eventually, however, there was too much at stake for me to continue wanking myself, and put all my effort back into the licking and fingering... coaxing her, once again, to fall back into her orgasms.

This one was intense. Virtually silent, lots of twitching and so much hypersensitivity that even a slight touch anywhere on her body could set her off again. I lay next to her, throbbing hard, as I felt her come down from it after a while. But as I was lying there, my hand was clasped firmly around my penis, and I was rubbing it. Lots.

I thought of the girl next to me, and relived the sex we'd just had in my head. I listened to her moans, and my stifled shouts. I even felt the waves of orgasm coming from her form next to me. And as she rolled over, she slid an arm around me, and lay there kissing me. I felt her warmth, her lips against my cheek and neck, and her body lying there, and with a final, definite pulse, I came hard, shooting a jet of cum onto my stomach, and then a longer one which hit my chest and neck, and her chest too, followed by occasional bursts of the stuff which covered my nether regions. It's not pretty, but it feels fantastic.

There we were - two lovers on a bed in southern France, panting with the post-orgasmic haze which had settled onto us, following what was almost certainly some of the best sex of my life, both covered in sweat and my cum, and me wondering if I had enough energy left to stand up and walk to the bathroom next door.

There'd be more kisses and a snuggle before sleeping afterwards, I thought as I took a few unsteady steps over to the door, glancing at my love lying there with a grin on her face.

But if you're going to end a holiday... end it with a bang.

Thursday, 21 August 2008

La Belle et La Bête

(I'll leave you to decide which one of us is which - although with what I think of myself, it should be pretty clear.)

We're off!
We'll be in France for a week!

Monday, 18 August 2008

Welcome to Fantasy World

I've got a surprise in store, but I won't actually tell her what it is.

I've got my hands over her eyes as I lead her into the kitchen, and as I release her, it's obvious that it's been transformed somewhat. Okay, none of you know what my kitchen looks like, but it's all been cleaned meticulously. We can't see that, though, because all the lights are off. The only glimmer comes from the eating table, which I've put in the middle of the room... in its centre, a cross between a menorah and a candelabra sits, candles arranged in a star shape, making patterns of light dance across the walls and ceiling.

The surprise is the dinner. The food itself isn't that exquisite, but the romance itself comes from how much care I took in preparing it. And it looks fine, even though it's simple. Coils of pasta, cooked for a longer time than normal, and then stirred with herbs, olive oil and butter, which melts in from the heat, then divided onto plates and topped with grated cheese (which, of course, has also melted on top). Just normal food, but in my dark kitchen, the candles illuminating only each other's faces. I could probably drop some of the pasta down my top and she wouldn't even notice.

We finish eating, and it's time for dessert. I say this, but I'm walking over to her seat, which isn't anywhere near the freezer. I kiss her once on the cheek. That's my plan - give her a quick kiss, and then pile on the chocolate ice-cream or something.
I can't help it, though. I've kissed her on the cheek, and I want more. Before I know it, I'm kissing her fully on the mouth, and my hands are winding their way behind her back. She stands up from her chair, and we're in a clinch, bodies pressed together as our hearts speed up, and I feel my pulse quicken...

Can't help it now. I haphazardly push some of the plates off the table, and lift her onto it, still kissing her neck. She begins to remove her top, as I'm undoing random buttons, and only at that critical moment, do I remember the candles, dangerously close to her back.

So I break the kiss, lean over and blow them out.

And in the kitchen, now merely lit by the moon shining through the large window, sight is no longer a major factor, as other senses come into play. The darkness shrouds all but the closest of visions, as the rustle of clothes vibrates through the room... and soon afterwards, the moans of orgasm bounce off the walls as the kitchen table creaks in a steady rhythm.

Thursday, 14 August 2008


It hasn't been a good day for me (read: it's been a good day for everyone else; that threw me into shadow and nobody noticed I wasn't happy, which made it worse).

There isn't much going for me at the moment, but I have a heart which overflows with emotions, a soul which really guides the way I think, a vague hope for the future, and a girlfriend who, although currently absent, I really and truly love.

So although there may be tears from me, there will be more words - there will be the eventual reunification - there will be cuddles - there will be kisses. There may even be sex.

I may be in darkness. But I can still love.

Tuesday, 12 August 2008

Jake's Called Booty (Review)

The Jake's Booty Call movie is an odd beast, because as the series is largely aimed at teenage boys who will have a guilty click or two late at night, one does have to wonder what exactly they were thinking by making a feature-length movie. Clearly, its target demographic isn't enough to warrant a general release - although (and this is a very good idea) it's been shown in universities around the world, from what I've heard. It's more likely to make money from DVD sales - which makes me wonder why it took them so long to release the DVD - but, if there's nothing to click and no decisions to make, is it even worth watching?

Time for an ILB Investigation.

Speaking as somebody who has played all the games, but isn't too into the phenomenon to be accurately termed a fan, I had mixed feelings as the movie started, but it was extremely comforting to see, in the first scene, cameos from characters who have graced the series throughout - all the girls in the bar Jake walks into look familiar, as does Jake's buddy Calvin (my favourite character, I'd say), who makes a three-second appearance. Throughout the movie, there are back-references to the previous episodes/games... although not as many as I'd expected there would be, to be honest. I suppose they were trying to make the movie more accessible...

...which leads me to wonder why the hell they've put Jake in it.
He's pivotal to Booty Call, but in the movie, Jake's not the slightly desperate, gullible and overbearing guy we've seen in the game's. Jake's a smooth, arrogant and cocky git who seems to be able to "get" girls at the click of a finger. Whether or not this objectifies girls (because it kind of does) is irrelevant, because we've suddenly got a two-dimensional Jake. What happened to all the drugs? The singing? The wordplay? It's so random.
I must say, I was pleased to hear Jake's voice, though. He hasn't changed the way he sounds, thankfully. I would have appreciated more of his Jake-isms... his catchphrase ("Fo' sheezy!") is hardly in the movie - in fact, he only says it once, and half-heartedly, at that. Bah!

As for the plot... well, it's bizarre, but it works. Sort of.
The problem is that it's not very culturally sensitive (but with a title like Jake's Booty Call, what do you expect?), even verging on racist at points. Jake's new friend in the movie has the wonderfully dodgy name of "Siton Manabba" (sit on my nob, yeah?), from the country of "Bangasloid" (I don't know what a 'sloid' is, so the joke's lost on me). Siton is a prince, he has to get laid before his 21st birthday, er... that's it. There are a few scenes with his father (Slobon) in, and there's some sort of conspiracy with his brother (Lickapon) and some government agents (Dilsac Unchin ... dil-sack on chin, ewww!) trying to off Siton, too - but in traditional sex-comedy fashion, the constant attempts on his life just force Jake and Siton to move on to pastures new, and don't really come into play until the very end of the movie. Maybe a bit of action might have added something.

There also isn't even that much sex. Softcore movies tend to have - and don't ask me how I know this - eight sex scenes, on average. This is a sex comedy, so perhaps they can be excused for having less... but I counted three full sex scenes during the movie (two featuring Jake, one featuring Siton). Given the amount of girls that Jake seems to 'get' during the movie, do you think it would have been a strain to animate a couple more sex scenes? It's been done enough times before...

The movie also doesn't need to carry the National Lampoon label. It's not a parody.

That's all very unfair on the movie, but it's what I think. Let's look at some good points:
- This was the first full-length movie ever to be made in Flash. The animation's a lot more fluid than it is in the games, and it works well.
- The voice acting is perfect.
- There are some wonderfully funny moments. Jake projecting a 'bat-signal' featuring himself into the sky is a highlight that actually made me laugh out loud. Unfortunately, these are few and far between.
- There are some gentle parodies of famous people (namely, Vanilla Ice and Eminem) which don't work for me, but are brave.
- It's not too long for the joke to wear off.
- There's a marvellous scene halfway through the movie where Jake and Siton land on an island, meet talking animals and end up being chased away by giant man-eating vaginas. Yes, I did just say that.
- Does exactly what it says on the tin.
- Your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on a mortgage or any other loan secured upon it.

In conclusion, then, I did enjoy the movie in parts - a curate's egg - but it has no strong female characters, it's slightly racist, the plot is a bit lame, and with the decision-making element gone, Jake's Booty Call fails to stand up to the reputation the interactive series gained. If you enjoyed the series, I'd recommend it, but perhaps only once.

Monday, 11 August 2008

Booty Calls

I'm willing to wager my entire reputation as a hopeless social misfit on the assumption that not many of you will know what Jake's Booty Call is. Accordingly, it's going to be difficult for me to write a review of the movie without first attempting to explain exactly where it comes from. So I'll attempt...

Booty Call is a series of Internet-based games written in Flash. The hero, an everyman character named "Jake", describes himself as a "pimp", which apparently doesn't just mean someone who whores people out for money. Jake explains, in the first few games, that his mission in life is to get laid and, for the first few games, that's all you have to do - choose options á la an RPG / adventure game book, and see if you get Jake laid. If you did, you were rewarded with a quick sex scene - or a superimposed image of Jake on top of a girl, limbs covering anything graphic.

Kinda lame.

However, the format changed slightly when (the ubiquitous company who produced these games, although they have since disappeared without trace) teamed up with Nebulous Films, who then produced better quality animation, although the scripts and voice of Jake were all still provided by Julian Max Metter. From that point on, the games got more in-depth and there were more laughs, although the overabundance of drugs, alcohol ("I'll have a Jack and Coke!") and club music often put me off.
The way girls were presented also changed, and once again this was rather hit-and-miss; there were a lot of strong, independent women who blew Jake off (if you fail to get Jake laid, you often restart the game), yet there were a lot of drippy, submissive girls who only seemed to exist as holes in which Jake slipped his "LD" (Long Dilznic... you couldn't make it up).
My favourites out of the games, therefore, were the ones in which Jake remained his lovable, yet slightly perverted, self, but needed to use his brain to hook up with the right girl (the one that sticks out in my head is the university episode, where he seduces a girl via his knowledge of poetry, and they end up doing it on a large book in the library, firing off literary quotes - I wonder if Jake's an English graduate, too?)

I've played, although not necessarily enjoyed, all the games - they can be played, hypothetically, here (hmmm, that doesn't really give you many games to play... *Googles* if you're that curious.
I was messing about one day and, for some reason, ended up discovering that there is, in fact, a movie based entirely on Jake's Booty Call - which caused to lose all their money but has a cult following - and although the site didn't offer much except a couple of trailers, the movie looked appealing - for a good laugh if nothing else (in fact, that's what the series is for anyway; it's hardly getting-off material... and Jake's a dickhead). So, in a distinctly un-ILBish fashion, I actually bought the DVD.

Me? Booty Call? It doesn't compute.

I'll write a review of the movie later. For now, I have to go and get lunch. And possibly play Magical Starsign.

Friday, 8 August 2008

Klassic Kamp Konversations Kreating Komedy!

"What's a sex blog?"
"Well... it's a blog... where you write about sex."
"Do you read them?"
"A few of the famous ones, yes."
"Do you write one?"
"Me? No! I mean, come on, I'm... I'm an innocent loverboy, I am."
"All right, but you read them? Do they turn you on?"
"Well, some of them have themes. Abby Lee wrote about her adventures, until she was outed; Bitchy Jones is a dominant female; LucyBoots plugs porn she likes; Belle de Jour was a call girl..."
"You mean Billie Piper?"
"Well, yes... in the TV series based on the book based on the blog."
"And why do you read it, again?"
"I like the way she writes! What's wrong with that?"
"Well, with all this knowledge, I'd think you'd be writing one..."
"I already told you... I'm innocent!"