Thursday, 12 June 2008

DJ Loverboy & MC Drinker

I hadn't had sex to music until about a month and a half ago, when I met snowdrop. That doesn't really count, mind you, because I didn't have sex with her for very long, but I did lick her out to the strains of "my silent thoughts can't penetrate your iPod with my foreplay" and then penetrated her while Tim Booth sang, "I want to sleep with the whole town". And now I feel dirty because I realise I probably shouldn't have slept with snowdrop. Ouch.

Nevertheless, it was my first experience of sex to music, and after two posts on the subject (or touching on it, anyway - listen, shut up and let me justify this one) by fellow sex bloggers, I may as well throw my two Euro cents in.

Music is fucking sexy.

It's perhaps the sexiest thing on the planet (thing, not person, capice?). It has power - and not just power to make somebody laugh or cry - because we all know it does that - but it also has power of incredible turning-on. And perhaps there are four general strains of why it can be sexy:

i) You can have sex to music.
I had to admit, now I've tried it, I'm addicted. I admit, you can have sex sans music, it's just so much better with it. Not only can you time your licks to the beat if you need a brief rhythmic interlude to your necessary cunnilingus (what, just me then?), but if it's music that stirs your soul, then it can just as easily stir up your passion, too. Okay, I'm not saying you should have energetic sex to the tune of Mika's Lollipop (although if you are perverted enough to do that, it'll probably be the most frantic sex of your life), but just having a background track tends to work.
Although I'll never listen to Tim Booth or Elbow or Joni Mitchell in the same way ever again. And the list goes on. Thanks, guys. Nice voices.

ii) Music can have connotations.
This is rather an odd one, but if you've watched enough soft porn (and as we all know by now, I'm the one to ask about soft porn/erotica), you'll recognise the same 'sex scene' music cropping up more than once. There is, in fact, one specific piece - the usual type, with a drum machine using a kick drum beat and some simulated electric guitars about as real as the sex scene they accompany - which I've counted no less than four times, each in a completely separate softcore series accompanying a completely separate sex scene.
Every time I hear the early strains of that music, I get dirty thoughts. I can't help it, although now I'm sexually active, the dirty thoughts I get are almost always involving myself and you-know-perfectly-well-who-if-you've-been-paying-attention, and that music. In fact, I doubt I'll ever try it (although I might, you never know!), but I wonder what it would be like to have sex to sex music. There are a few pieces I like, and - I'm not joking here - sometimes it's been the music, and not the moving pictures, that's tipped me over the edge.
And you wonder why people close their eyes when they masturbate?

iii) Special music is special.
Who knows? Maybe it's a song that simply reminds you of someone - you sent it to them, or they sent it to you? Maybe it's a song whose lyrics really speak to you about how you feel about them? Maybe it's a song, like the one I'm listening to now, that reminds you so powerfully of someone that you detect their scent in the air? Maybe it's "your" song, or maybe it's something you've sung to someone in bed...

...or during a gig?

iv) Music is sexy.
I know I've already said it. But it's just such a sexy medium. Anyone who sees music as simply a set of vibrations in the air is wrong. Music is not just the food of love (although Bill did pretty much hit the nail on the head), it's the food of life. And if love is the meaning of life, which I've always claimed it is, then it's all linked, and if God exists, then God's given us the gift to recognise these transverse/longitudinal waves as something which transcends all the senses, all reasoning, all spiritual levels - I have never experienced soul-related euphoria coupled with carnal satisfaction and musical high all at the same time, but I have had each one in turn, and I envy anyone who has experienced that. The existence of an art form such as music isn't just sexy, it's beauty in its purest form.

So there... yeah! Get down to some sexy music right away! Let it take you and don't resist... take someone special with you... and once you can consider yourself melted into sound, DJ Loverboy salutes you.

I was in a brass band for three years. Towards the end of my stint there, our aged, bullying conductor handed out the sheet music to Old-Time Religion (which I went on to feature in an album). This is featured in a few of Russ Meyer's sexploitation comedies - and I was so tickled that we were playing this that I had to hold onto my bass drum to keep myself standing up straight while laughing my head off.

[Rambling poets.]


glamourgirl08 said...

So true, ah we do love the music addiction! Its like a drug!

Anonymous said...

I'm loving some of the ingenious titles you come up with, ILB!

Ta for the link, once more. I really yoinked my post from LS. So I guess we're all idea-pinching bloggers.

Or just one big happy, musical, all-singing all-dancing blogofamily.

Anna said...

Good ol' Bill. Knows what he's talking about, doesn't he.

Anonymous said...

Glamourgirl - Roxy Music had it in one - 'Love is the Drug'

The Drinker said...

MC Drinker, in da house! Ahem. If music is sexy, musicians must be equally so...


Innocent Loverboy said...

Whicka whicka, freestyler!

Anonymous said...

I hope you were watching Doctor Who this evening, ILB. Your favourite poem for feminist/sexual discussion was quoted.


Innocent Loverboy said...

Yes, I was, and yes - I shouted, "Goblin Market!" at the screen. Yes, my dad asked me what the hell. Which is odd for a scholar, but then I suppose he's a Shakespearean-esque historian/actor and not really into the poetry of the late 19th century.

Anonymous said...

I do what I always do when I know certain quotes from poetry/literature - I murmur under my breath so only the person next to me realises how nerdy I am. So Mister heard me murmur 'Christina Rossetti..' yesterday. But he already knows I am a bit of a geek.

I do it occasionally at work, it's quite fun. But then, my work is more likely the place for such murmurings to be a little less nerdy and more fitting for the place.

Oh well. How cryptic...

JustAnotherBlogger said...

Ah yes, music makes the pelvis stronger ;)

I don't think I'll ever be able to listen to the Blu Cantrell song "Breathe" or Nelly's "Dilemma" without thinking of particularly good nights with certain gentlemen.

I love my music