Thursday, 24 April 2008


I know that sex is usually better with clothes off. That's an odd thing to say, because people usually have sex naked. Sex with clothes on (and I'm not talking dry sex; I'm talking partially clothed) can be very exciting, especially in a public place... ahem. But, in the privacy of your own bedroom, you don't need them on. It's better when you're naked. And you can admire your partner's naked body, which is nice.
But has anyone actually considered getting naked with someone and then not having sex with them? I certainly haven't. It's never been on my mind. If I'm in bed with a girl and we don't have clothes on, there's certainly no doubt in my mind that sex is probably on the agenda.

Warmth transmitted through body heat is usually the order of the day after sex - you practically glow following orgasm, and the calm that follows love-making works on many levels - physically, holding someone's soft, naked body while your body heat creates a kind of warm aura around you both (not to mention mentally, spiritually, and lyrically - except not lyrically. Except if you're a songwriter and you only ever write songs after sex).
There have been times, however, where I've been naked in a bed with a girl and not had sex. Sometimes, I've been lying awake, sexless, next to a sleeping girl, and so my mind has turned to other forms of pleasure, such as:

  • Hold their hand. It really is an excellent feeling. Holding someone's hand had always been a sign of affection to me - well, the whole world, really - and actually lying there feeling their hand while you clasp it, maybe for hours, is a brilliant thing to do.
  • Listen to their breathing. Deep, heavy breathing - nothing like the ragged, desperate breaths you take during sex. But even, peaceful, calm breaths... relax, it's like music.
  • Stroke their hair.
  • Spoon. You don't need to be having sex to feel their body against yours. If you clutch them from behind and wrap your body around them, you can share the body heat and feel almost as one.
  • Pray. Don't laugh, it works.
  • Dream - perhaps just a daydream. It is, after all, what you do when lying awake. Control your own daydreams - just don't think about sex too much or you may not be able to control yourself with the unconscious body! I've had dreams about the adventures I could have with the girl the following day...
  • Ruminate on your day. You've been with your lover. Has it been good? Narrate your day's story to yourself, and be sure to finish it off with, "and I'm now lying in a bed, naked, next to ______," just to give yourself a gold star.
It's not as good as sex, but it's in a different league. Or on a different team, maybe. We've all heard of sharing the love, but even when there's only one of you awake, you can do that.

"Me time" doesn't have to equal wanking. Therefore, sharing a bed with someone naked doesn't have to equal sex. Why not have a warmth orgasm instead?


Anna said...

Wise words :) It's certainly not all about the sex. My beloved and I have never had sex in the 8 / 9 months we've been together, and I think we've discovered a thousand ways to be close without it. Intimacy is a beautiful thing, and the happiest times in my life so far have been with my bare skin on his, just cuddling, resting, and loving each other silently.

Anonymous said...

I absolutely, one hundred percent, agree with you.

Reading this this morning really cheered me up after a bit of a bad night last night. So thank you - *virtual hug*


Anonymous said...

What a touchingly sentimental-in-a-beautiful-way post, ILB.

I adore the simplistc romanticism of your writings that crop up every now and again. So effective.

Mister and I occasionally have these nights when we're both too shattered for anything else but sleep and we often do a number of the things on youor list here. Some of my most special times spent with him are during these nights.

single student said...

That is such a sweet post!

Totally agree with you that it doesn't always have to be about the sex, most of the time I actually prefer the "warmth orgasms" of cuddling and holding their hand.

Congrats ILB on capturing this feeling so eloquently and accurately!